Add more splash texts and app reviews.

voussoir.net/app/app.html

@@ -248,13 +248,16 @@ body
 const REVIEWS = [
     {"author": "AAAAAAAAAAH", "rating": "AAAAH", "text": "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod"},
     {"author": "Bones", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "I could have sworn my bones were intact before downloading this app."},
+    {"author": "Bort", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app renamed all my contacts to Bort! Not before uploading them to the cloud I'm sure. Furious."},
     {"author": "bro_lol", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"},
     {"author": "CameroonFive", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Didn't work at first, but after enabling camera, mic, location, calendar, contacts, and sms everything was o.k."},
     {"author": "crypticpicnic", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app drains my battery SUPER fast. Something to do with the selfie camera being always on?"},
     {"author": "cynthia", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "Good food! Lettuce didn't even taste funny"},
     {"author": "dev12344", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "pls accept my pull request i will get free t-shirt. PLsss request"},
     {"author": "doubleplusbass", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "I had no idea my speakers could get that loud. RIP Spotty."},
+    {"author": "entelligent", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "Finally, a social network that truly values my intellect. I have found my people! All the cats are quite hirsute."},
     {"author": "fairuza_yass", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "Tried to join the witchcraft &  potionmaking community but everyone there is just talking about drugs."},
+    {"author": "forgetful", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app helpfully reminds me of my social security number and credit card number right when I need them! Not sure how it knows them, though."},
     {"author": "goody2shoe", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "I wanted to write a letter to my congressperson but the app keeps replacing all my words with MEMEMEME like what even is this?"},
     {"author": "greatlyindecent", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Looks like it was made by a five year old so by that metric it's pretty good."},
     {"author": "hothothot", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "For some reason this app turned on my phone's flashlight and wouldn't let me turn it off. Burned a hole in my couch."},
@@ -265,14 +268,16 @@ const REVIEWS = [
     {"author": "littlenewwave", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Better than tiktok but i guess that's not saying very much"},
     {"author": "michael", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "My parole officer says this is the closest I'm allowed to get to youth."},
     {"author": "mightybonk", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app physically broke my screen. If I could give zero stars I would."},
+    {"author": "picklerick1", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "where do download rick morty mp4"},
     {"author": "robocop9000", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "this app requires 3.4 GB storage and does what with it? I can't find a single feature at all. It's just pulsating text. Did I get pranked?"},
     {"author": "rodney1925", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "GRANDSON TELLS ME CAPITAL LETTERS ARE IMPOLITE... BUT CANT TURN OFF... OTHERWISE OK"},
     {"author": "shipshopper", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "The search feature is consistently terrible. The 'promoted' items always appear on top even when they don't match my search."},
     {"author": "slayerZ", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "played for 1,497 hours and then got bored. needs better balance and more drops."},
     {"author": "slimshadyy", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "My antivirus reports over 50 trojans, 10 keyloggers, and a whole lot of poor taste."},
-    {"author": "smartphonedumbphone", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I was able to use it but the top notch takes up like half the screen so it was kind of difficult"},
+    {"author": "smartphonedumbphone", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I was able to use it but the notch takes up like half the screen so it was kind of difficult"},
     {"author": "smashmaster", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I really wanted to love this app, but I think it might be the reason I'm so miserable. As a result I can only give it four stars."},
     {"author": "sometimes_enlightened", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "I have seen the future and it is yellow."},
+    {"author": "spurious_specs", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app made me get a ticket while driving because I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen! It's so addicting."},
     {"author": "stingyjimmy", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "I know you're just trying to make a living and all but $87 a month is pretty steep."},
     {"author": "techprowriter", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "Overall nice app. Read my full review at techprowriter.io."},
     {"author": "TheKritik", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "You somehow took everything that's wrong with the world and put it all in one place. In a way, that's incredible."},
@@ -281,6 +286,7 @@ const REVIEWS = [
     {"author": "vcmoney", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "voussoir.app could very well be the next Facebook! Get in touch with me if you want to increase your growth opportunities and add more telemetry."},
     {"author": "very_smart_guy", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "pretty sure it's a bitcoin miner."},
     {"author": "wall_eve", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app crashed my phone so hard I had to microwave the battery to restart it."},
+    {"author": "whistleblew", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "This app is almost certainly in violation of the GPL and the Geneva Conventions."},
     {"author": "xninjax", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Never in my life have I had the displeasure of using an app as bad as this one."},
 ];
 let REVIEW_INDEX = 0;

voussoir.net/index.html

@@ -497,10 +497,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "abduct me, vegans",
     "activated my trap card",
     "all that was lost is revealed",
+    "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy",
     "always lays down plastic first",
     "always locks the front door",
     "always looks both ways",
     "always takes the third part last",
+    "and as always, thanks for watching",
     "answers to the name bruce",
     "anyway, i love you",
     "are you listening with all your heart and soul?",
@@ -515,10 +517,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "but first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for",
     "can be measured in kilobytes",
     "can be read while underwater",
+    "can be spotted only from a distance",
     "can be viewed upside-down",
     "can complain about almost anything",
     "can i ask you kind of a weird question?",
     "can point to the usa on a map",
+    "can we have your liver then?",
     "can't believe you've done this",
     "cast vicariously as both victim and villain",
     "chesthair upholstery and a beard in the glovebox",
@@ -526,10 +530,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "conductor we have a problem",
     "considers the lobster",
     "consists of macroblocks and motion vectors",
+    "contributes to openstreetmap",
     "cool guy has a chill day",
     "could have sworn it was a lovers' quarrel",
     "dehumanize yourself and face to bloodshed",
     "developers developers developers developers",
+    "did i mention the drive-thru?",
     "do i get my four years back?",
     "do i look like i know what a jpeg is?",
     "do they still shoot tourists in florida?",
@@ -537,12 +543,15 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "doesn't afraid of anything",
     "doesn't always write docstrings",
     "doesn't like being in the chokey",
+    "doesn't live in the basement",
     "doesn't need a cookie banner",
     "doesn't really wanna do the work today",
     "doesn't smoke beer",
+    "doesn't start the story with sirens blaring",
+    "doesn't watch sports",
+    "doesn't wear cargo shorts",
     "don't bernie me",
     "don't push, the train is moving forward",
-    "don't start the story with sirens blaring",
     "don't you want to become a cult leader?",
     "doth protest too much, methinks",
     "double-wrapped, vacuum-packed",
@@ -553,11 +562,13 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "est arrivé près de chez vous",
     "even ezekial thinks that my mind is gone",
     "evi: 11.1.89 22:30h",
+    "exists in three dimensions",
     "exploiting every loophole, dodging every obstacle",
     "guided towards a more fantastic species of research",
     "han shot first",
     "has a tendency to misinterpret subtle social confrontations",
     "has been modified from its original version to fit your screen",
+    "has never pulled the fire alarm",
     "has not received any subpoenas",
     "has that combination on my luggage",
     "have you got anything that affects faces?",
@@ -566,8 +577,10 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "holster it in the tilde fashion for your protection",
     "i bind you nancy from doing harm",
     "i embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses",
+    "i need some shoes, manny",
     "i suppose there's time for dessert",
     "i'm afraid my beard has spoken. we have no choice",
+    "i'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo",
     "if dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?",
     "if you don't watch yourself, who will?",
     "is a little overbearing",
@@ -585,19 +598,25 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "is extremely dangerous to our democracy",
     "is gnot a gnelf",
     "is human like the rest of them",
+    "is just as the prophecy foretold",
     "is just one stop on the information superhighway",
     "is legal in most jurisdictions",
+    "is less resilient than a tardigrade",
     "is lined up to watch that movie, maid in manhattan",
     "is never gonna run around and desert you",
     "is not a crazed gunman, dad",
+    "is not a pod person from the planet mars",
     "is not a sense offender",
     "is not a significant source of protein",
-    "is not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo",
+    "is not as good as sqlite",
     "is not as good as zombocom",
     "is not concealing any state or military secrets",
+    "is not entirely divinely inspired",
     "is not obfuscated",
+    "is not questioning your powers of observation",
     "is not sponsored",
-    "is not suitable for sad onions",
+    "is not suitable for 0-3 sad onions",
+    "is not the spawn of satan",
     "is not what is said of that thing",
     "is obviously biased",
     "is on the fastest available route",
@@ -605,16 +624,19 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "is only as strong as the weakest link",
     "is over our heads in a million pieces",
     "is produced by the modial interaction of magnetoreluctance",
+    "is sick of car dependency",
     "is sitting in a room different from the one you are in now",
     "is stimulating my thinker",
     "is subject to the frequency illusion",
+    "is the product of several minutes of hard work",
     "is wasting your processor cycles",
     "is worth a lot of money",
     "it goes it goes it goes it goes",
     "it is good day to be not dead",
     "it's all right here at your fingertips",
-    "it's evident that speeds's tangential to that time-position curve",
+    "it's evident that speed's tangential to that time-position curve",
     "it's the perfect place for an accident",
+    "keeps windows update permanently disabled",
     "keikaku means plan",
     "kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bear children",
     "klaatu barada nikto",
@@ -634,7 +656,8 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "may be a figment of your imagination",
     "means you no harm",
     "might look better without this pulsating text",
-    "needs some shoes, manny",
+    "might not fit on a floppy disk",
+    "might overstay its welcome",
     "never pipes curl to bash",
     "never transcodes lossy to lossy",
     "no one can win the game but me. that's how the game works",
@@ -663,7 +686,9 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "prefers subs over dubs",
     "prefers the despecialized editions",
     "prefers the director's cut",
+    "prefers to breathe air",
     "prefers to install from f-droid",
+    "presses wm1",
     "put on these glasses or start eating that trash can",
     "read it for yourself in this photostatic copy",
     "recognizes taiwan's sovereignty",
@@ -672,6 +697,7 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "ring the 0x07 for concierge service",
     "runs away in a straight line",
     "seeks enlightenment and free lodging",
+    "selling knives and insurance from door to door",
     "sometimes behaves so strangely",
     "spent way too much time on these splash texts",
     "still uses rss",
@@ -688,6 +714,7 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "the menace must remain phantom",
     "the water is extracted for use in rivers",
     "the waves part and they engulf me and the water is warm",
+    "the word itself makes some men uncomfortable",
     "they have ordered you to die, gi",
     "this ain't my first rodéo",
     "this is the name that you never will guess",
@@ -707,10 +734,13 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "was pulled from 100,000 year old antarctic ice",
     "watches for the plot",
     "we can't really enforce the curfew as there is no light or sound",
+    "we're not bop-bipping the boop-beeps here, just boppin'",
     "we're not savages, we're english",
     "what do you burn apart from witches?",
     "what was done to me was monstrous...",
+    "what's up with all the sauerkraut?",
     "why build one when you can have two at twice the price?",
+    "will accept your donations",
     "will create a gooey interface using visual basic",
     "will find your ip with tracer-t",
     "will go to the moon and do the other things",
@@ -721,6 +751,9 @@ const SPLASHES = [
     "will order you some gâteau aux poivres",
     "withdraws some parts of physical form from consideration",
     "without even a last desperate warning",
+    "won't scan your computer for pictures of children",
+    "won't send you spam",
+    "won't steal packages off your doorstep",
     "works in mergers and acquisitions",
     "would rather be on the moon",
     "wouldn't copy that floppy",