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Add more splash texts and app reviews.

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voussoir 2021-10-22 00:09:39 -07:00
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2 changed files with 45 additions and 6 deletions
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8
voussoir.net/app/app.html
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@ -248,13 +248,16 @@ body
const REVIEWS = [
{"author": "AAAAAAAAAAH", "rating": "AAAAH", "text": "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod"},
{"author": "Bones", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "I could have sworn my bones were intact before downloading this app."},
{"author": "Bort", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app renamed all my contacts to Bort! Not before uploading them to the cloud I'm sure. Furious."},
{"author": "bro_lol", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"},
{"author": "CameroonFive", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Didn't work at first, but after enabling camera, mic, location, calendar, contacts, and sms everything was o.k."},
{"author": "crypticpicnic", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app drains my battery SUPER fast. Something to do with the selfie camera being always on?"},
{"author": "cynthia", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "Good food! Lettuce didn't even taste funny"},
{"author": "dev12344", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "pls accept my pull request i will get free t-shirt. PLsss request"},
{"author": "doubleplusbass", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "I had no idea my speakers could get that loud. RIP Spotty."},
{"author": "entelligent", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "Finally, a social network that truly values my intellect. I have found my people! All the cats are quite hirsute."},
{"author": "fairuza_yass", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "Tried to join the witchcraft & potionmaking community but everyone there is just talking about drugs."},
{"author": "forgetful", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app helpfully reminds me of my social security number and credit card number right when I need them! Not sure how it knows them, though."},
{"author": "goody2shoe", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "I wanted to write a letter to my congressperson but the app keeps replacing all my words with MEMEMEME like what even is this?"},
{"author": "greatlyindecent", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Looks like it was made by a five year old so by that metric it's pretty good."},
{"author": "hothothot", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "For some reason this app turned on my phone's flashlight and wouldn't let me turn it off. Burned a hole in my couch."},
@ -265,14 +268,16 @@ const REVIEWS = [
{"author": "littlenewwave", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Better than tiktok but i guess that's not saying very much"},
{"author": "michael", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "My parole officer says this is the closest I'm allowed to get to youth."},
{"author": "mightybonk", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app physically broke my screen. If I could give zero stars I would."},
{"author": "picklerick1", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "where do download rick morty mp4"},
{"author": "robocop9000", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "this app requires 3.4 GB storage and does what with it? I can't find a single feature at all. It's just pulsating text. Did I get pranked?"},
{"author": "rodney1925", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "GRANDSON TELLS ME CAPITAL LETTERS ARE IMPOLITE... BUT CANT TURN OFF... OTHERWISE OK"},
{"author": "shipshopper", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "The search feature is consistently terrible. The 'promoted' items always appear on top even when they don't match my search."},
{"author": "slayerZ", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "played for 1,497 hours and then got bored. needs better balance and more drops."},
{"author": "slimshadyy", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "My antivirus reports over 50 trojans, 10 keyloggers, and a whole lot of poor taste."},
{"author": "smartphonedumbphone", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I was able to use it but the top notch takes up like half the screen so it was kind of difficult"},
{"author": "smartphonedumbphone", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I was able to use it but the notch takes up like half the screen so it was kind of difficult"},
{"author": "smashmaster", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "I really wanted to love this app, but I think it might be the reason I'm so miserable. As a result I can only give it four stars."},
{"author": "sometimes_enlightened", "rating": "★★★★★", "text": "I have seen the future and it is yellow."},
{"author": "spurious_specs", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "This app made me get a ticket while driving because I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen! It's so addicting."},
{"author": "stingyjimmy", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "I know you're just trying to make a living and all but $87 a month is pretty steep."},
{"author": "techprowriter", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "Overall nice app. Read my full review at techprowriter.io."},
{"author": "TheKritik", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "You somehow took everything that's wrong with the world and put it all in one place. In a way, that's incredible."},
@ -281,6 +286,7 @@ const REVIEWS = [
{"author": "vcmoney", "rating": "★★★★☆", "text": "voussoir.app could very well be the next Facebook! Get in touch with me if you want to increase your growth opportunities and add more telemetry."},
{"author": "very_smart_guy", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "pretty sure it's a bitcoin miner."},
{"author": "wall_eve", "rating": "★☆☆☆☆", "text": "This app crashed my phone so hard I had to microwave the battery to restart it."},
{"author": "whistleblew", "rating": "★★☆☆☆", "text": "This app is almost certainly in violation of the GPL and the Geneva Conventions."},
{"author": "xninjax", "rating": "★★★☆☆", "text": "Never in my life have I had the displeasure of using an app as bad as this one."},
];
let REVIEW_INDEX = 0;

43
voussoir.net/index.html
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@ -497,10 +497,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"abduct me, vegans",
"activated my trap card",
"all that was lost is revealed",
"all work and no play makes jack a dull boy",
"always lays down plastic first",
"always locks the front door",
"always looks both ways",
"always takes the third part last",
"and as always, thanks for watching",
"answers to the name bruce",
"anyway, i love you",
"are you listening with all your heart and soul?",
@ -515,10 +517,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"but first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for",
"can be measured in kilobytes",
"can be read while underwater",
"can be spotted only from a distance",
"can be viewed upside-down",
"can complain about almost anything",
"can i ask you kind of a weird question?",
"can point to the usa on a map",
"can we have your liver then?",
"can't believe you've done this",
"cast vicariously as both victim and villain",
"chesthair upholstery and a beard in the glovebox",
@ -526,10 +530,12 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"conductor we have a problem",
"considers the lobster",
"consists of macroblocks and motion vectors",
"contributes to openstreetmap",
"cool guy has a chill day",
"could have sworn it was a lovers' quarrel",
"dehumanize yourself and face to bloodshed",
"developers developers developers developers",
"did i mention the drive-thru?",
"do i get my four years back?",
"do i look like i know what a jpeg is?",
"do they still shoot tourists in florida?",
@ -537,12 +543,15 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"doesn't afraid of anything",
"doesn't always write docstrings",
"doesn't like being in the chokey",
"doesn't live in the basement",
"doesn't need a cookie banner",
"doesn't really wanna do the work today",
"doesn't smoke beer",
"doesn't start the story with sirens blaring",
"doesn't watch sports",
"doesn't wear cargo shorts",
"don't bernie me",
"don't push, the train is moving forward",
"don't start the story with sirens blaring",
"don't you want to become a cult leader?",
"doth protest too much, methinks",
"double-wrapped, vacuum-packed",
@ -553,11 +562,13 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"est arrivé près de chez vous",
"even ezekial thinks that my mind is gone",
"evi: 11.1.89 22:30h",
"exists in three dimensions",
"exploiting every loophole, dodging every obstacle",
"guided towards a more fantastic species of research",
"han shot first",
"has a tendency to misinterpret subtle social confrontations",
"has been modified from its original version to fit your screen",
"has never pulled the fire alarm",
"has not received any subpoenas",
"has that combination on my luggage",
"have you got anything that affects faces?",
@ -566,8 +577,10 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"holster it in the tilde fashion for your protection",
"i bind you nancy from doing harm",
"i embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses",
"i need some shoes, manny",
"i suppose there's time for dessert",
"i'm afraid my beard has spoken. we have no choice",
"i'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo",
"if dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?",
"if you don't watch yourself, who will?",
"is a little overbearing",
@ -585,19 +598,25 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"is extremely dangerous to our democracy",
"is gnot a gnelf",
"is human like the rest of them",
"is just as the prophecy foretold",
"is just one stop on the information superhighway",
"is legal in most jurisdictions",
"is less resilient than a tardigrade",
"is lined up to watch that movie, maid in manhattan",
"is never gonna run around and desert you",
"is not a crazed gunman, dad",
"is not a pod person from the planet mars",
"is not a sense offender",
"is not a significant source of protein",
"is not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo",
"is not as good as sqlite",
"is not as good as zombocom",
"is not concealing any state or military secrets",
"is not entirely divinely inspired",
"is not obfuscated",
"is not questioning your powers of observation",
"is not sponsored",
"is not suitable for sad onions",
"is not suitable for 0-3 sad onions",
"is not the spawn of satan",
"is not what is said of that thing",
"is obviously biased",
"is on the fastest available route",
@ -605,16 +624,19 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"is only as strong as the weakest link",
"is over our heads in a million pieces",
"is produced by the modial interaction of magnetoreluctance",
"is sick of car dependency",
"is sitting in a room different from the one you are in now",
"is stimulating my thinker",
"is subject to the frequency illusion",
"is the product of several minutes of hard work",
"is wasting your processor cycles",
"is worth a lot of money",
"it goes it goes it goes it goes",
"it is good day to be not dead",
"it's all right here at your fingertips",
"it's evident that speeds's tangential to that time-position curve",
"it's evident that speed's tangential to that time-position curve",
"it's the perfect place for an accident",
"keeps windows update permanently disabled",
"keikaku means plan",
"kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bear children",
"klaatu barada nikto",
@ -634,7 +656,8 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"may be a figment of your imagination",
"means you no harm",
"might look better without this pulsating text",
"needs some shoes, manny",
"might not fit on a floppy disk",
"might overstay its welcome",
"never pipes curl to bash",
"never transcodes lossy to lossy",
"no one can win the game but me. that's how the game works",
@ -663,7 +686,9 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"prefers subs over dubs",
"prefers the despecialized editions",
"prefers the director's cut",
"prefers to breathe air",
"prefers to install from f-droid",
"presses wm1",
"put on these glasses or start eating that trash can",
"read it for yourself in this photostatic copy",
"recognizes taiwan's sovereignty",
@ -672,6 +697,7 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"ring the 0x07 for concierge service",
"runs away in a straight line",
"seeks enlightenment and free lodging",
"selling knives and insurance from door to door",
"sometimes behaves so strangely",
"spent way too much time on these splash texts",
"still uses rss",
@ -688,6 +714,7 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"the menace must remain phantom",
"the water is extracted for use in rivers",
"the waves part and they engulf me and the water is warm",
"the word itself makes some men uncomfortable",
"they have ordered you to die, gi",
"this ain't my first rodéo",
"this is the name that you never will guess",
@ -707,10 +734,13 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"was pulled from 100,000 year old antarctic ice",
"watches for the plot",
"we can't really enforce the curfew as there is no light or sound",
"we're not bop-bipping the boop-beeps here, just boppin'",
"we're not savages, we're english",
"what do you burn apart from witches?",
"what was done to me was monstrous...",
"what's up with all the sauerkraut?",
"why build one when you can have two at twice the price?",
"will accept your donations",
"will create a gooey interface using visual basic",
"will find your ip with tracer-t",
"will go to the moon and do the other things",
@ -721,6 +751,9 @@ const SPLASHES = [
"will order you some gâteau aux poivres",
"withdraws some parts of physical form from consideration",
"without even a last desperate warning",
"won't scan your computer for pictures of children",
"won't send you spam",
"won't steal packages off your doorstep",
"works in mergers and acquisitions",
"would rather be on the moon",
"wouldn't copy that floppy",